Would you like some breast with your fish?

I have no delusions. Most men would say "absolutely".

However, ask a woman the same question and she would say "no thank you, I brought my own."

Tonight, unfortunately, there was no choice. I had dinner with Chaim and my mother at Aresto in Caesaria. It's the only kosher restaurant there, so if you want to eat in the ancient ruins of Caesaria and you are kosher, then Aresto has you by the ding-a-lings -- and they know it. It's an excellent example of trying to achieve the lowest common denominator.

We didn't have a reservation so we understandably didn't get the best table in the house. That said, we did get a teeny, weeny, little table on the edge of the restaurant. That was okay. If that was the only problem with the restaurant, I could have lived with that.

What wasn't okay were the two mothers at the next table who were there with three small children. Two of those children were of breast-feeding age and neither mother had an ounce of humility. As soon as the children cried, out came the breasts in full force.

Now I am a big fan of breasts. Everyone should be fortunate enough to have two. That said, I do not ever feel the need to expose them in restaurants. Actually, I can't think of a time that I ever felt the need to expose them in public. I am also a big fan of breast-feeding. It's just that I prefer breast-feeders to have a little discretion. For me, chewing and looking at milk-laden, sagging breasts is an unappetizing combination.

I should also talk about how these two women thought it was perfectly okay to change their children's diapers on the table. Not only did it ruin my already lousy meal, but correct me if I am wrong -- it can't possibly be sanitary. All those little bacteria waiting for a nice warm plate to attach themselves to! I feel bad for whoever sat at that table next!

What I didn't realize right away was that these women were wives or girlfriends of some of the restaurant staff. Once I figured that out I understood why they didn't feel the need to behave like human beings in the restaurant. For them, eating there was their G-d given right and dammit, they were going to exercise that right! They weren't paying for it and under the circumstances free food is free food. Screw the paying customers.

Now to the food. Hmmmm. What can I say about the food?

It sucked.

It was truly awful.

I can't believe we paid for such trash.

That's what happens when you have a kosher clientele who have no choice but to select your restaurant because they are already there, they are hungry, and there are no other kosher options. It's a great scam. In all fairness, the eggplant and goat cheese appetizer was delicious, but that was the last delicious item of the evening. The salmon was terrible and the St. Peter's fish, as they call it, was simply horrendous.

If there had been any other kosher restaurant in the vicinity, I would have bolted. I did tell the manager that the food was awful and that the women at the next table were flashing more flesh than I could handle, but naturally, he didn't care on iota. He just looked at me with that Israeli "yeah, and your point is?" look. He doesn't have to care -- I've already explained Aresto's very successful marketing strategy.

So, if you decide to go to Caesaria to eat, do yourself a favour and stop at the sushi restaurant at the gas station on the entrance road to the town. The sushi there is kosher and excellent. And if you end up at Aresto, make sure you don't get the diaper-changing table. It's the one, second closest to the sea with all the little invisible poop bacteria crawling all over it.

And if your food is awful don't come crying to me. Just flash your breasts and see where it takes you.