Jimmy, do you need a lift from the airport?

I just read that Jimmy Carter is coming to Israel for a "private" visit and I am trying to figure out what that means.

Is he here for vacation? Understandable. We have some of the best sightseeing and ancient ruins in the world. The beaches are great in Israel and so are the restaurants. And in June, the weather is still tolerable to those uninitiated in Middle Eastern summers.

Or is he here to visit friends? Now if that is the case, I find it baffling. Who, in the State of Israel, could possibly be a friend of the anti-Israel, ex-president of the United States? I am sure there are a few groupies who simply enjoy the company of anyone now or previously famous, but JIMMY CARTER??? Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

And here is another question: If Jimmy Carter is coming on a private visit, who is picking him up at the airport? I am thinking about driving out to Ben Gurion Airport on the off chance that he exits the plane and no one is there to meet him. Sometimes you just have to create your own opportunities.

If that happens, then I am going to walk over to him and tell him in my clean Canadian English, that I would be happy to drive him wherever he wants to go. And, I will tell him, don't worry, I'm Canadian. There is nothing more innocuous to an American than the word "Canadian." And then I am going to help him get his bags to my car.

That's when the fun will begin. Once we are happily settled in the car, with the doors locked, speeding down the highway, I am going to start to tell him what I think of him and his anti-Israel views -- which isn't much. I am going to give him a brief history lesson starting prior to the original Testament. I am then going to explain to him that I understand his anti-semitism. It's part of his culture and heritage, and that he would have had to have been a very strong-willed individual to have departed from that misguided thinking and use his own head and eyes to see the facts on the ground.

I am going to mention how nothing of peace-related value has happened since his Camp David Accords. Granted, we are not at war with Egypt, but it is a very cooooool peace. And I would particularly like to thank him for that book he wrote in 2006 to explain the facts-on-the-ground in the Middle East to Americans. Here's a particularly nice little snippet from the book:

"Israel's continued control and colonization of Palestinian land have been the primary obstacles to a comprehensive peace agreement in the Holy Land."

Well, thanks for setting the record straight for 325 million Americans. Apparently you forgot to write the chapter about the Arab's war of attrition; terrorist bombings as one approach to peacemaking; and the Arabs hateful indoctrination of innocent Arab children against Israel. I could go on but I don't want to get bogged down on any one point, when I only have a limited amount of time.

Finally, I will thank him for calling Israel an apartheid state. I am so sorry that he missed all the important modern history that led to the need for a Jewish state. Jimmy, I am pretty sure you would have loved Treblinka. I hear it was a great vacation spot as well. Particularly for serious dieters.

And by the way, Jews do dominate Israel. It's true. On a piece of land that takes up less than .0001 % of the available earth's surface. And on top of that, Arabs in Israel have more freedom than Arabs living in other Middle Eastern countries. Just ask the Bruqa-clad Arab woman who almost reversed her car into me at the mall last week. At least in Israel she can drive, she can vote and she has many other rights that you so conveniently ignored in your educational, tell-all book. Show me an example of that anywhere else in the Middle East and I will show you a pig that flies!

Unfortunately, then, my time will be up and I will have to drop him off at the home of his old and good friend, Israel's president Shimon Peres. I would have dropped him off at Judas Iscariot's house, but I don't know where he lives. However, Peres, Iscariot. Pretty much the same thing.

I hope Shimon doesn't invite me in because I will have to decline -- I have to get going if I want to get to the big Obama-Mubarak love-in party in Egypt on time.