I can't believe this only made page 8

I was reading the Jerusalem Post yesterday and I stumbled across an article on page 8 of the second section that left me in a state of suspended animation. My feet were on the ground but my mind was arguing with itself about whether or not I had understood what I had just read.

It seems that Michael O'Leary, the president of Ryanair, an Irish no-frills airline, is toying with the idea of charging passengers to use the washrooms in-flight. According to his logic, it would help keep ticket prices down. He's also of the mind that "everyone" getting on to one of his planes has a pound coin in his or her pocket.

As someone who once flew home from Mexico with a friend who was suffering from Montezuma's Revenge, I was trying to imagine that scene if my friend had needed a coin each and every time she wanted to relieve herself. And trust me, she spent a good part of the five-hour flight between Acapulco and Toronto driving the porcelain bus. Apparently Mr. O'Leary has never been to Mexico and inadvertently eaten a bacterial ice cube. That's about all it takes. One stupid ice cube from a non-approved source and you could easily find yourself with heaven knows what coming out of any number of bodily orifices. That vacation, under Ryanair's new plan, could have bankrupted her.

I also remember the time that I got a very distinct and excruciating pain in my side while flying home from a business trip in Cleveland, to Toronto. Once again, the washroom on the plane saved me. As it turned out, I had kidney stones, but at the time I just thought my insides were exploding and it was impossible to sit in my seat. Locking myself in that little cramped washroom gave me the privacy I needed to fall apart quietly and alone.

And every time I thought it was safe to go back to my seat, by the time I was halfway there, I had turned around and was headed back to the toilette! Based on Mr. O'Leary's plan I probably would have had to charge another $10 to my travel expenses. I wonder what I would have called that line item? Bathroom access charge? Unavoidable barfing and pooping? Or would I have listed it as $10 for private agony time. Oh, I can just imagine Accounts Payable pondering that expense account statement. I have charged some weird things to my corporate expense accounts over the years, but that would have been the ultimate expense doozer. (Up until then, the best I could have offered was my weekly bribery charge to the airport bus driver so that he would go to my terminal first regardless of the route.)

O'Leary's PR people were apparently as shocked as I was by his announcement. And in a very quick one-two step they passed it off as his off-beat humour. Since I used to be one of those PR people who was often caught off guard by crazy CEOs speaking without thinking, I just want to take a moment to tip my hat to them. Bloody good, fast thinking.

And to Mr. O'Leary, I just want to say that it will be a friendly day for Israelis in Iran before I ever travel on one of your planes. I am not sure I could afford it. The older I get, the more I frequent washrooms. Oh, but wait, maybe he will have a seniors' discount. I will have to send him a letter and find out.