Saturday, December 21, 2013

Adolf and Himmler/Hess, the furry Nazis next door

I live next door to a dog who looks like a Gestapo agent.

You know how there are theories circulating that people choose dogs who look like them? Yes, well, had he not shot himself in the head in a gutless act of failure in the dying days of World War II, then Hitler would have owned this dog. And the dog, who I have nicknamed "Adolf", has what I suspect is a similar nasty personality to his namesake.

Until a few months ago, Adolf had a partner in crime, who I named ..... "Eva". Seemed appropriate. And even though I am pretty sure Eva was a male, he cried a lot, and just followed Adolf around the yard. I mean, would you argue with anyone as nasty and vengeful as Hitler? Particularly if you were stuck on 100 square meters of yard together day in, day out?

Personally I liked Eva. Primarily because he let me scratch his head -- much to the constant chagrin of Adolf and his owners. As many of you know, I will do just about anything passive aggressive to piss off my anti-olim neighbours who would go to their own dizzying lengths to make me regret buying the house next to theirs.

One day not long ago I arrived at my front gate and instead of hearing the mourning sighs of Eva, I heard an unfamiliar and very deep growl. So, instead of going through my gate, I backtracked and walked the two feet to my neighbours' gate. I took a quick look around and was suddenly hit by the new reality -- Eva was gone and in his place, not surprisingly, was a new dog, who I originally called "Himmler" but later switched to calling "Hess".

I hate to admit it but I went home and googled Himmler and Hess and decided that a) the new dog looked more like Hess and b) Hess was the more logical choice since he was Hitler's second-in-command. So, Hess it would be!

Eva probably died and the neighbours probably tossed him out with the garbage. Had I known to look at the time, I would have checked the garbage cans for signs of his remains. Oh, don't oooooo me, I already told you that I will go to great lengths to catch these people doing something they shouldn't be doing.

Pepper, my dog, who I don't think looks anything like me, did everything in her power to make friends with Hess. She had long since established that Adolf was never going to give her break, but in her ever optimistic outlook, I think she had hoped for better from Hess. She naively thought that Hess was the new Eva. It was not to be.

My husband told me to stop calling the dogs next door Adolf and Hess because it is disrespectful to the memories of the six million Jews who died in the Holocaust. I, on the other hand, think that this is exactly the approach to take -- removing all the mystique of the originals and nicknaming two creepy mutts after them. That, in my mind, is exactly how they should be remembered.

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