Sunday, May 31, 2009

I'm after you and other Israeli manners

I just returned from the post office and now I remember why I try to avoid the place.

Let me set this up properly for people who have never been to a branch of the Israeli post office. In my experience, the small branches are little, two-room outfits at street level. If five people get in line, then anyone coming after them is forced to continue the line outside on the street. Line-ups on to the street are not unusual.

Today, I arrived just in time to be the fifth person in line and that also means that you often have to hold the door open as well. There is a door stopper but it never seems to do its job properly. In the summer months, being inside the post office makes all the difference to whether or not you wait in air-conditioned comfort or sweltering sticky heat.

I knew as I arrived that there was someone right on my heels, bearing down on me with the intensity of .... well, me! And let me say, I did not like it one bit. She tried to pass me on route, but I sensed her presence and sped up just enough to make her plans impossible to execute! Oh sue me.

So when I took position number five I knew instinctively that she was antsy and trying to figure out how to beat the line. And being very determined, here's what she did: she yelled out to one of the post-office employees to pass her a form that she needed to fill in, in order to send money to the US. Then she moved to the side to fill it out. It was right after that that there came what I consider the ultimate Israeli lining-up moment. She turned to me and said in hebrew: "I'm after you." Which of course, she wasn't because she was standing off to the side filling out her form.

Within the twitch of an eye another woman came into the post office and got behind me -- only to see her friend outside. She really wanted to talk to her friend, so she said to me again in hebrew (well, this is Israel): "I'm after you." To which the first woman who was theoretically after me yelled out: "No, I'm after her." And the second woman said" "Great, no problem," and then she left the post office to go outside and talk to her friend.

I know that this story needs diagrams but try to follow along.

Within a few more seconds an old man entered the post office and actually lined up behind me. Unwritten Israeli protocol demands that I explain to the old man that there are several the invisible people behind me -- and before him -- in line. However, I was not in a protocol-following mood and I think this whole "save-my-spot-because-I-have better-things-to-do-and-obviously-you-don't" sort of thinking is contrary to my Canadian instincts. Canadians are good liner-uppers (this does not include rude Russians and Israelis who now live all over northern Toronto).

Upon noticing the old man, the first invisible person after me gives him a sneering look. The lady outside doesn't even bother to budge from her conversation. The line continues to move and as I am leaving, I notice that the old man just takes his turn after me -- rightfully -- and ignores the invisible people in between us. He was obviously better versed at staying calm in an Israeli line.

This is Israeli line logic in action.

Once an old man started hitting me in the grocery store because I took his invisible spot. Soon as I started to explain and he heard my anglo-hebrew accent he started pounding on me and saying: "Oh you Americans. You think you're so great." Actually, a) I am a Canadian and b) I do not think I am great but I do not honour the invisible spot logic. As an aside, a few other people in the grocery store started yelling at him to leave me alone. But I just left my groceries where they were and told him he could have the spot back.

And this brings me to my last Israeli-manners logic story of the post. My friend Tammy and her husband bought a house and moved into it about three years ago. To this day, her next door neighbour parks partly in front of her driveway so that it is impossible for her to get her car in or out if he is there. When she approached him and told him that he couldn't do that, he responded by saying: "I have been parking my car here for 20 years."

He said some other crazy stuff as well, but the point is, that no matter how ridiculous the Israeli manners logic might be, there is no end in sight and those of us who don't agree will simply have to wage an invisible battle.

5 comments:

  1. Too, too true. Here's another one to add to your list: We're in line for a parent-teacher conference that is already something like 40 minutes late. The man behind us in line politely asks if he can go in front of us because he is late for a ... something. As if we had nothing better to do. Well, we're too flabbergasted to respond, so we just smile, which he takes as his pass to go first. At least he was polite?

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  2. this one's good -- a woman behind me in the checkout line about to leave to continue shopping or whatever says, "i'm after you." to which i responded sweetly and with a smile, "az k'die lach l'hisha'air kahn." (then you ought to stay here).

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  3. So sad but true...Can you cover the distant relative of lining up--driving in Israel? The creative ways of Israeli drivers to invent additional lanes, honking and cursing while one takes up her right of way, and so on?

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  4. I love it all. It's maddening, I know, but if you can keep from getting furious, (difficult to do), it's hilarious. I never know what is going to happen, what unexpected chutzpa will emerge. My favorite thing is going to the bank. I only do it when I have to and when I have plenty of time so I can enjoy the floor show that will no doubtly unfold. Each story of waiting in line is more amusing to me than the one before. If at any time you find that it all makes sense you will have crossed over to the otherside. Mi acharon?

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  5. Pam, I think you hit the nail on the head. If you have to do any of these things that would otherwise stress you out -- plan ahead; leave lots of time; take popcorn and wear comfortable shoes! That should keep you entertained for the duration of whatever it was you set out to do.

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