Hello Pope: Tips for visiting the Holy Land

I have a long personal history with Catholicism. Not in a participatory sense, but rather as a vistor. My maternal grandparents lived four houses away from the local Catholic rectory -- just far enough that by the time I reached the rectory on my Sunday afternoon bike rides from my grandparents' house, I was suitably hungry and often dropped in for afternoon tea. I was six and they were already boiling the kettle, so why not? As I saw it then, it was a win-win: cookies and tea for me and the opportunity to have some quality kid time for a bunch of guys who were chronically childless.

I am pretty sure they knew who I was and that I was Jewish, but cookies and tea superseded any religious barriers that might have arisen between us. No one at home ever told me I couldn't go there and no one at the rectory ever said I couldn't come in. At the time, I can say with all honesty that I was a big fan of the Catholic Church.

Unfortunately, 46 years later, I am no longer a fan of the Catholic Church. Most days I am simply indifferent and that is good enough. But I have to say that Pope Francis is testing my resolve. From the day he was elected Pope and then promptly hopped in a cab to go back to his hotel to pay his bill and pick up his belongings, I have liked him. That's why I want to speak up now before he makes any irrevocable faux pas during his Middle East visit.

• According to the Vatican envoy to Jerusalem, the Church of the Holy Sepulchre is Christianity's most important site. That's great. Now don't go back stepping when the Arabs try to convince you that Bethlehem and Nazareth are equally important. Why? Because they are only saying that so that they can use your comments against Israel at some point in the future. You are a pawn in their dirty game.
• It's very nice that all the different Catholic sub-denominations agreed to meet with you in the CHS, but once again, don't get too excited because they all don't like you either and they too, just want to show a unified face so that later they can tell the world media how Israel is keeping them from actualizing their Catholicism in Palestine (read: Jerusalem) or some other cockamemie thing. 
• Although it is a big deal that the Lebanese Maronite Bishop Bashara al-Rahi is flying in to party with you -- the first Lebanese patriarch to do so since 1948 -- trust me, he is going home to a likely hail storm of bullets for daring to step foot in Israel to do anything but kill Israelis. And what if, heaven forbid, everything goes really well? What are the Israel-hating Lebanese going to do then? Oh yeah, he's not long for this world.
• Don't start up with this State of Palestine business. There is no State of Palestine. Leave the rhetoric and dialetic to the politicians. 
• Inviting a Muslim and a Jew to Rome to pray with you? Are you expecting them to kneel as well? Trust me, you are headed down a rocky road. If they comply then that's not saying much for how either man perceives his own religion and if they don't, my guess is that Catholics worldwide will be offended. This is a no-win situation.
• And for heaven's sake, will you please get in that damn PopeMobile. You are giving Israel's enemies a potential gift from Heaven. Think about it. If they can shoot you in Israel then they can spin that into a story that Israel hates Catholics or that the security was lax because you aren't important. Do not play into their hands -- they have no civilized limits. Not only are you screwing up traffic even more than the average dignitary, but already the Israeli Christians are saying that Israel is trying to deny their rights by removing their chance to be close to you. It doesn't take much to start a brouhaha here.

Israel may not be experiencing its best period with its Christian minority, but at least they are still alive, unlike in Syria. Islamic extremism is a way bigger problem for them but they are surely not going to miss the opportunity, when the world is watching, to play it up.

So Pope, welcome to Israel. Don't be naive. You are playing with the Mean Boys now -- and there aren't enough cookies on Earth for them to just drop by and enjoy the day.