I'm thinking of getting my own extradition treaty

Lately it seems like we spend a lot of time waiting for countries to make extradition treaties so that they can sort out whose criminals are where and get them moved to where they should be.

As I write this I am waiting for that scumbag "Rabbi" Chen to arrive on the tarmac at Ben Gurion Airport from Brazil and be taken into custody by the Israel Police. I will be very glad when the moment arrives but it won't save the children who have already suffered terribly at his hands or because of his evil advice to stupid women who took it so willingly.

I am also waiting for France and the U.S. to sort out their extradition agreement so that Roman Polanski will go back to the U.S. and face his music. Contrary to most people in Hollywood, I do not think it is okay for an adult male to have sex with a 13-year-old girl; particularly a non-consenting 13-year-old girl. I don't care what he paid her as compensation. This is simply not okay. I don't care who you are. So, while the U.S. authorities try to figure out if they agree with my thinking, I will just sit here and hope for the day that Polanski sets foot in the U.S.

In the meantime I noticed that this all takes a lot of negotiating and a lot of time. Therefore, in an effort to be ready to be helpful next time some country needs to extradite someone from a country with which it does not have an extradition treaty, I am going to set to work preparing a worldwide extradition treaty. Then, whenever some country needs it, they can give me a call and I will fax it to them. Then, all involved parties will just sign on the dotted line and criminals will be sent home to face the music.

As it stands, according to international law, a country doesn't have to surrender an alleged criminal to another country. Why the hell not? Don't most countries have enough of their own criminals that they don't need other countries' criminals as well? I am willing to concede that in the case of political crimes it may be a matter of opinion because not all countries have the same degrees of openness and tolerance. But low life, child-abusers should be criminals everywhere.

I know that isn't the case, but it should be. This got me thinking that perhaps the problem was all the paperwork. Heaven knows I go to great lengths to ignore paperwork -- even to the point of being forced to pay some ridiculous fines because I ignored the warning letters so effectively. That is why I have decided to retain counsel -- maybe my AdHoc Legal Committee will rise to the occasion -- to help me prepare an ecumenical international extradition treaty that can be filled out by anyone, anywhere who wants to get a criminal out of his or her neighbourhood or country and send them back to where they came from.

It will probably take a few weeks to get all the "i's" dotted and the "t's" crossed but I will let you know when it is ready and then anyone who needs a copy can just send me an email and I will send it out -- in pdf format of course -- free of charge. Simple as that.

I've solved the Jew killing problem

I think I have come up with a solution for all those people out there that want to kill a Jew. It's brilliant and I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out.

Last year, on a nice sunny Spring day, the Israeli papers blew the lid off one of the most disgusting stories I have ever read. It was about a group of extremist Jews right here in Israel, lead by a deranged "rabbi", who were abusing children among other things.

The details provided in the Jerusalem Post were so sickening that I refuse to let my mind wander back there. Even now, when I read about "Rabbi" Elior Chen's capture in Brazil and hopeful extradition to Israel, I cannot help but feel ill when I see his photograph posted in the body copy of the article.

I am not even sure if this guy is a rabbi because I noticed today that the Post is using quotation marks around his title. What I do know is that he definitely doesn't meet my criteria for a rabbi.

For those who don't know the story, here is a brief overview. People in a haredi (read: extremist) Jerusalem neighbourhood contacted police because of strange goings on there. A woman was arrested for severely abusing her children. It later became public knowledge that she burned them; she made them eat feces; she gave them alcohol to drink until they vomited; she hit them with hammers; she locked them up in suitcases. I think you get the idea.

Once in police custody she claimed that she did this under the instruction and guidance of one "Rabbi Elior Chen" who taught her this as a means to discipline her children. He promptly fled to Canada (already known as a great place to hide if you are an old Nazi, according to 60 Minutes, so why not a despicable-beyond-words Jew?)

Problem was that Canada and Israel have an extradition treaty so scumbag Chen had to hit the road again. This time he went to Brazil because it does not have such a treaty with Israel. Israel knew for a while that he was there but without such a treaty the Israelis couldn't just show up and nab him.

I am sure the Brazilians weren't exactly thrilled to have him either. They arrested him to keep him away from other innocent children.

So here we are a year after he arrived in Brazil and he is about to be extradited to Israel.

However, I have a better plan. Heaven knows that we don’t want him here. And I am willing to bet that the Brazilians want him out of their country. And I doubt there are any takers in any parts of the Western world. So, how about we give him to some of those crazed lunatics that want to kill Jews?

They don't care what Jew they kill. We don't care one iota about the life of child-abuser Chen. As far as I can tell, it's a win-win situation. Everyone would go home happy and perhaps that would save the life of an innocent person somewhere else.

I know my suggestion sounds rather cruel, but what Chen did to those children was more than a little cruel. And these are extenuating circumstances. Chen is not your average bad guy. He is a child-harming, super bad guy. My plan works for me. And unless you have a better suggestion … I am submitting this to the Israeli court system.

(Late-dated addendum: Okay, now two of my lawyer friends have called to say that I cannot suggest that someone should be killed for any reason whatsoever. Therefore, let me add that first, Elior Chen has to be found guilty and they better find a really suitable punishment for him. And second, under no circumstance am I suggesting that someone take up the cause. It would solve many problems for many people but I am not a judge or jury. Too bad. So ... lawyers, are you more comfortable now?)