So, with the help of input from some of my friends who have been there and done that, here's what I know today that I did not know 15 years ago when I arrived.
1.
No matter how hard you try,
you are not going to turn Israel into whatever place you came from. At some
point you are going to have to accept the old adage "when in Israel, do as
the Israelis". This includes learning the fine arts of strategic impersonal
yelling, holding your place in line without getting in line, being in two lanes
at once, parking wherever it suits you, and the willful rejection of the word
"no".
2.
This is not wherever you
came from. The country is counter-intuitive. Nothing is done the same here as it is
"there". This includes: returns in stores, wedding ceremonies,
banking, crossing the street, expecting service with a smile. How ever you are
used to things working, it's the opposite here.
3.
Aliyah is difficult and
even if you are a capable Hebrew speaker, it is going to turn your world upside
down for a while. You may think you are mentally, physically and even
spiritually prepared for the move but I am willing to bet buttons to beer caps
that you are not. All you need is a day dealing with any branch of officialdom
(personal favourites: Bituach Leumi, Misrad Ha P'nim, the maccabi4u website) and
you will quickly realize that you are no longer in Kansas and no twister on
Earth will ever get you back there.
4.
The ideal development of
your child involves their ability to hold their own on the playground
("use your words" is not an Israeli concept) and independent learning
until – approximately -- 10th grade, when the teachers finally shift
into gear and start catching-up on every drop of curriculum they forgot to
teach your child for the previous nine years. These are truly the roots of Start
Up Nation; not the army.
5.
When people tell you that
your child will be a fluent Hebrew speaker by Chanuka do not get it into your
head that they mean THIS Chanuka. They mean Chanuka several years from now.
6. Kids turn out differently here. They know that they are all vital components of a
country/a people/ a history. They want to do their part to give back to
society. They do not need to make academic and extra-curricular decisions based
on how to impress a college admissions advisor – they know who they are and what they must do. Army
service, while nerve-wracking for their parents, is a great source of much pride that
turns our children into adults so much better than they would have been without
the experience.
7.
Going to the army (and some
national service) may be similar to getting an undergraduate degree, except for
the shitty dorm rooms, worse food, and Hamas and Hezbollah instead of BDS. It is a valuable experience that will matter
later in life – just like university. However, that life and death element is a bit of a game changer.
8.
If you don't want your
children to mingle and possibly marry Israelis, moving to Israel may not have
been your best idea because there a lot of Israelis here. And as surprising as
it may be, Israelis prefer to speak Hebrew and live Israeli lives. You may also have to accept customs
and traditions that you believe are uncomfortable for you or bad for your
health. I personally like the Sephardi tradition of green-onion-as-representational-whip at the Pesach Seder but I am no fan of meat for lunch.
9.
Winter is colder inside
your house than outside. The lack of insulation results in a situation where
wearing a coat or heavy sweater to bed begins to seem obvious. Even my dog
prefers to go outside in the winter and she is normally no friend of fresh air.
10.
Dead people go straight
into the ground. No coffin, just a tightly wrapped shroud. It is incredibly
unnerving the first four hundred times you see it.
11.
Israel has a very robust
economy. It almost looks like a first world country. There is a crane overhead almost
everywhere you look in the center of the country and roads constantly under
construction. However, it is all part of the most elaborate sleight-of-hand ruse you will ever see -- you still have to pay Mercedes prices for a Mazda, and $15
for a decent pair of underwear.
12.
Fruit tastes like whatever
it is, and can only be found in season. Tomatoes like tomatoes (not wet cardboard), strawberries like strawberries. And dairy products taste like the
cow made them specially for you in your backyard five minutes ago. Once you eat
here you will never enjoy food anywhere where mass production rules.
13.
The guys carrying visible
guns on the street, on the bus, and on the beach, are the good guys and you are really glad they seem to be everywhere.
14.
No one plans ahead. It may
have begun as gallows thinking – why plan ahead when we may be dead by then -- but has over time become part of the fabric of Israeli thinking. And oddly
enough it works and is truly addictive. Thinking about getting married? Why not next week? Definitely no later than two months from now! Bar
mitzvah party venue burned down the night before the party (this really
happened), just move the food, the DJ and the guests up the street to the next
available party location and carry on.
15. You do not have to be post-secondary school educated to have an opinion on everything from the American presidential elections, to the pros and cons of the interest rates set by the Bank of Israel, or who is right: Boogie, Boujie or Bibi. Every garbage collector, bus driver, gardener, and delivery person has an opinion about what is going on and how things should be.
16.
Oh, and one last thing. The
reason Starbucks failed in Israel is because Israelis do not like the taste of
Starbucks coffee. There is no conspiracy.
17. Oh, and another thing, lizards have to live somewhere and apparently their somewhere is Israel's everywhere.
My favorite is #10! And I'm from California which prides itself on fruits and vegetables -- but here is fresher, in season.
ReplyDeleteThat is the most genuine testimonial on the matter that I could hope for. All fruits and vegetables in Toronto taste like cardboard -- they look great, but they have no taste whatsoever! Thanks
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DeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI would like to publish the post on ynet web site.
please contact me at
yaniv-po@ynet.co.il