Dos and Don'ts for Gap Year in Israel -- Part 1: Shabbat visiting

Elul is less than two months away. Generally speaking, that is neither here nor there in my life, but I learned today that the beginning of Elul means throngs of overseas students arriving in  Israel for their gap year. In other words, for some people, just hearing the word "Elul" brings on subtle tremors.

Please note that most of the gap year kids are never going to come into contact with real Israelis (beyond our families) -- nor do they want to. They simply want to spend a year in Israel as some sort of right-of-passage before they go back to their real lives elsewhere.  And because places like Ra'anana are the closest thing they can find to their respective homes abroad -- and where their parents most likely have friends, or friends of friends -- at some point during the year, the gap kids will inevitably surface here. This is a complicated thing for us natives: these kids have no interest in life in Israel per se but they want to get out (mostly from Jerusalem) and pretend to experience the country. Plus they take up a lot of seats in synagogue -- inevitably my seat, in particular.

Now because they don't want to really experience Israel, they travel in packs of .... at least five, which means that if you invite one of them for Shabbat, you are going to get five of them. It's virtually non-negotiable and frankly, from what I hear, getting five Shabbat visitors is getting off easy.

I rarely get these kids at my house because I didn't grow up in the religious world, so I am not connected to most of their parents. However, some of my friends literally spend their year, from September until June, as hotel/taxi service/laundromat/drop-in centers for these kids. And it is in their honour that I have prepared the following list of dos and don'ts for Gap Year Visitors to Israel. (This list is based on the extensive experience of some of the nicest, most giving people I know.)

1. Remember that you are no longer at home. Your parents trusted you enough to send you far from home for 12 months, so don't make them sorry they did. While you are away, you are a reflection of your family and your supposed upbringing. Don't shame your family name.

2. The people you are visiting are real Israelis, who live among other real Israelis. Our children may be native English speakers but do not kid yourselvs, they live and breathe in Hebrew. And while Ra'anana may look like an Anglo enclave, doogree (I am leaving you to figure out what that word means; I just learned it recently), it is very much part of Israel. Seventy percent of people in Ra'anana are native Hebrew speakers. Consider yourselves forewarned.

3. The people who host you are not sitting around all day wondering how they can fill their time, so do not assume that they have been waiting for you, your friends, and your laundry to fill a void in their "empty" lives.

4. Take a minute and think about how you would feel if five hungry teenagers showed up at your door expecting you to feed, entertain and generally rejuvenate them for two days? If you can't figure this out on your own, then ask your parents how they would feel. Take notes. Commit them to heart. Walk the talk.

5. And speaking of showing up at our doors -- ha. On top of hosting students by the half dozen and all that that entails, do not expect your hosts to make your travel arrangements or provide taxi service. Once again, if you are old enough to spend the year abroad then you are old enough to use a phone or a computer and figure out how to get to where you need to go. If you do not know how to contact the bus or train services, let me know and I will forward the contact information. And don't try the passive-aggressive call from the bus station saying: "Okay, I am at the bus station, now what do I do?" We weren't born yesterday.

6. Ask yourselves if the four or more people you want to take along for Shabbat really need to come. Couldn't you survive an entire 25 hours with just one or two friends? Would it really be so bad? We all know the answer to that rhetorical question.

7. No, you cannot bring your boyfriend or girlfriend for Shabbat. Do not put us in that uncomfortable position. Do I really need to explain why? If you don't know why then you are definitely not mature enough to be alone abroad and you should take a taxi to the airport immediately and just go home.

8. Make it a point to be the best possible guest EVER. If you don't know what that means, "someone" has forgotten to raise you properly (no names). However, assuming you were born on a raft and no one ever taught you how to behave, you should realize that your hosts are not there to serve you. Did you earn the money for the meals, do the shopping or prepare the food? The least you can do is help clean up after meals, shake out the tablecloth and tidy up after yourself.

9. We are not operating hotels and we do not offer hotel services. Ask the host what you should do with the bedding after you are done with it, hang your towels neatly on a towel rack so that they can dry out properly, don't sleep until noon and then drag yourself to the table just in time for lunch, and don't assume we have rolls for seudah shlishi after you just had two big meals served to you.

10. Tell us when you accept our invitation if you are vegetarian, vegan, legitimately celiac or have other real allergies. We can't guess and telling us when you arrive on Friday afternoon is just plain nasty. However, if you are going to insist on certain kashrut stringencies, stay home. If you don't trust our kashrut you shouldn't be coming.

11. And finally, for heaven's sake (literally and figuratively), bring a dvar Torah. You are in yeshiva or seminary all week so you have no reason not to come prepared to contribute to the spirituality of our Shabbat.

(Note: I would like to thank a very wise and gracious hostess for coming up with this topic and its key points.)