Remind me: What was the Fast for?

I jumped out of bed this morning ready to get on with my day and my life. All that soul cleansing yesterday left me many pounds lighter. I grabbed my cell phone to get a quick overview of what was going on in my neighbourhood and further afield. And that's when I read the bad news in the Jerusalem Post:

According to Iran's Chief of Flowy Bedroom Attire and Perpetual Hair Washing: " Contrary to their foolish aims, the Zionist regime and its supporters are very close to collapse and total extinction." Sheesh, was I pissed. My first thought was "and I wasted all that time yesterday apologizing for a bucket load of sins -- many of which I didn't even understand -- when I should have been living it up in anticipation of the eternal void?"

Now I had no idea how to plan my day. Originally, I had intended to walk the dog, go to Ikea to get a new blind for my pergola, go to the grocery store for more cooking supplies, teach a few English classes, and whip up a few challot before bed. Since we're on the verge of total collapse and extinction that list now sounds a little overly optimistic -- not to mention, totally pointless.

So, here is how I am going to spend my day instead:

• I am still going to walk my dog -- why should she die without a good bowel movement?
• Then, I am going to email everyone I know and apologize for any thing I did to offend them in the past. I will be hoping that they forgive me, but frankly, does it matter under the circumstances? (Oh yeah, I sort of did that a few days ago when life looked so promising.... so never mind)
• I am not going to Ikea -- why leave any additional money in the pockets of anyone from Sweden since yesterday Sweden decided to be the first country to officially stab Israel in the back.?
• I may still go to the grocery store because my kids are going to be "starving to death" right up until "the end". I guess there is no point in telling them that starving to death is the least of their concerns right now.
• Then I am going to have a cup of full-caffeine coffee, a Skor bar, an ice cream, a slice of pizza, cream brule, fettuicini alfredo, and any other food item that I love but deny myself on a daily basis for health reasons. 
• I am going to write a quick note to the two families having weddings this week to tell them that I will not be attending (neither will they, but it is not my place to give them the bad news).
• I may try to get my 1961 group together to see if they want to move our trip to the Gaza border up by 34 years. I really don't want to leave this world without sticking it to Hamas in the only way I can.

I am sure that more last minute things will strike me as the day wears on so please do not consider this a final list. If you think of anything else, let me know. Many of you will be too busy getting ready for your own end-of-times since you either live in Israel or one of the few countries that officially support Israel on paper.

I actually feel bad for those countries right now. Most of your countries don't like Israel, but up until the Bearded Iranian of the Perpetual Pyjamas announced that the party was over, it has been a wise military/strategic decision to support the only Middle Eastern democracy for thousands of miles. Ironically all your citizens who never liked Israel to begin with are going to die right along side us because the guys they support don't see them as the true friends that they are. 

Maybe some of those anti-Israel/anti-Semites can still get to the airport in time to catch the last plane to one of those delightful countries before it is too late. I am sure they would be happy to have you. That way you can get up every morning until the natural end of your time looking forward to a day of grocery shopping, errands, coffee drinking and the likes without any Zionist entities to ruin your day.

Oh right, did I mention that it will be a hijab-free-day in Iran, before Zionist entity goes anywhere.