I would like to apologize up front to my Catholic readers. Now excuse me because I have to tear a major strip of your pope. I am sorry to have to do this but he asked for it. Here goes.....
As you know Pope Benedict (a.k.a. John Ratzinger of Barvaria, Germany) is in Israel. However, before entering Israel, he spoke from Mount Nebo in Jordan (okay, at least he officially insulted the bejeebers out of Jews worldwide from outside Israel) which is where Moses reportedly looked down into the Land of Israel that he would never enter. Pope "El Deluded" Benedict spoke about the "inseparable bond" between the Jews and the Catholics. And I would just like to know in as precise detail as possible, what the hell is he talking about?
Is he talking about the 2000 years of anti-semitism? Is he talking about the fabulous life that Jews experienced under Augustine, Abelard, Constantine or the myriad other Catholic leaders who did everything humanly possible to destroy the spirit, soul and physical being of the Jewish people. Or is he talking about the fact that my stepson was verbally attacked in his 2008 Canadian university classroom by a classmate who argued: "We should kill all the Jews because they killed Christ."
Yes siree, that is one heck of a shared bond. Who could possibly be closer than the Jews and the Catholics? Perhaps the Iranian president and the Israelis. Oh wait, I forgot Hitler. Yes, we were possibly closer to Hitler.
Pope Benedict all I can say to you is PLEASE HAVE ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR YOU IN THE VATICAN DO A REALITY CHECK OF BIBLICAL PROPORTION. Doesn't anyone in the entire Vatican have an ounce of sense? Okay, if they don't have sense, do they have televisions or books or computers? I am not telling you anything that isn't well documented and covered in any number of media.
I am sorry to break this to you Pope B. but you hate the Jews. Not you personally perhaps, but why should you be absolved from that guilt if we Jews are still being penalized for killing Christ? Fair is fair. An eye for an eye. I know the last pope nixed that Jews-killing-Christ thing, but guess what? It didn't catch on so well. Most of the world's 1.13 billion Catholics never got the message.
I also feel obliged to say that I wasn't there when Jesus died and I am pretty sure that neither was any Jew I know. In fact there is lots of academic evidence to suggest that the whole anti-semitism thing was a bait and switch sort of arrangement. The Romans are the ones you should have been murdering, ghetto-izng, terrorizing, torturing, isolating, starving and all-around blaming for the past 2000 years. Of course, that would have been a scary thing to do because at the time of the unfortunate passing of Jesus THE JEW, the Romans were scarier than the Catholic Church turned out to be. Why pick on the real culprit when you could pick on the Jews?
Don't bother answering that. There is no good and legitimate answer.
I think that Jesus himself must have been looking on from heaven above today wondering what the heck you were talking about. He's YOUR lord so you can run from him but you can't hide. According to you, he sees all, which means he must have seen right through your propaganda.
And in case anyone thinks I am making this up, here's a little snippet from the pope's speech today, as reported by The Jerusalem Post:
"The ancient tradition of pilgrimage to the holy places also reminds us of the inseparable bond between the church and the Jewish people," said Benedict. "From the beginning, the church in these lands has commemorated in her liturgy the great figures of the patriarchs and prophets, as a sign of her profound appreciation of the unity of the two testaments."
Pope B. I thought we had agreed last week that you were going to visit your followers in Bethlehem, Nazareth and other such places? Instead you came here under false pretenses and conveniently erased 2000 years of really miserable history.
So Pope B, I apologize, but as your close friend, with inseparable ties to you, I feel I have to tell you that.
Showing posts with label Five Books of Moses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Five Books of Moses. Show all posts
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The Great Passover Rice Dilemma
At the most fundamental level, there are mainly two types of Jews -- ethnically speaking. I had to say "ethnically" otherwise all the smart asses out there might start with comments like: "yeah, good and bad", "religious and secular" or "what, only two groups!!!???"
"Ethnic" is the key word here. I mean that Jews either have North African roots or Eastern European roots. But before I get to the point of my posting, I have to add the caveat that now there appear to be Jews from India, Ethiopia, Greece and maybe even China. I don't know if they fit into either of these categories. BUT THAT IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE -- I JUST DIDN'T WANT ANY NASTY EMAILS SAYING THAT I LEFT THEM ALL OUT.
The point is that the Sephardic Jews of North African descent are very different in some fundamental ways to the Ashkenazi Jews from Eastern Europe. They pray differently. They have different customs. And most important, the only difference that matters to me right now, they eat differently. The Sephardic Jews can eat rice and legumes during Passover and the Askenazi Jews cannot. It sounds so simple when you state it like that, but in fact, it is anything but simple.
When we lived in Canada this was pretty much a non-issue because most of the Passover food products were tailor-made to the needs of the Askenazi Jewish majority and Sephardic Jews just added to that list on their own.
However, I don't live in Canada. In Israel the majority of Jews are Sephardic and therefore, the food manufacturers focus on their needs. I don't blame them, I would also. In other words, while the Sephardic Jews barely alter their eating habits during Passover, we, the Askenazi minority, might as well be re-enacting the Exodus from Egypt.
On one hand you could argue that its only for eight days so really what is the issue? On the other hand, and this is the hand I subscribe to, there is really only one ethnic origin of all Jews!!!!!! All it takes is a quick read of the Torah, The Five Books of Moses. And if you are too lazy to do that, you can google it on Wikipedia and get the answer in about two minutes.
All Jews come from the Land of Israel -- excluding the converts who joined late. That is the whole point of the Torah. God was looking for a group of people to accept His laws. He meets Abraham and that starts the ball rolling. Then, Moses clenches the deal when he takes the willing Israelites out of Egypt (see the Prince of Egypt from Disney if you don't like reading). Of course, only 20% were actually willing so right there the Israelites suffered their first and very large mass assimilation. The 80% were out of the picture.
The remaining 20% included about 600,000 men (they were not counting women and children at the dawn of recorded history). And when Moses went to the top of Mt. Sinai and received the Ten Commandments, the deal was done. Trust me, there were no other Jews getting separate instructions elsewhere!
It wasn't our fault that life got difficult again after Sinai. The Jews had lots of ups and downs which resulted in them ultimately being thrown out of the Land of Israel for more than a thousand years.
So my theory is that since we all have the same origins, and we were forced out of our land by our enemies, as opposed to by our own free will, then there is only one ethnic origin of the Jews and we should all have the same laws for what we can eat during Passover.
I am not alone in thinking this. But there isn't a rabbi for miles around in any direction who is willing to take up the fight. It would be career suicide. But at this time of year, when we should all be focusing on how great it was that we were freed and we became a people, we Askenazi in Israel are just too busy being upset with our pending food situation.
"Ethnic" is the key word here. I mean that Jews either have North African roots or Eastern European roots. But before I get to the point of my posting, I have to add the caveat that now there appear to be Jews from India, Ethiopia, Greece and maybe even China. I don't know if they fit into either of these categories. BUT THAT IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE -- I JUST DIDN'T WANT ANY NASTY EMAILS SAYING THAT I LEFT THEM ALL OUT.
The point is that the Sephardic Jews of North African descent are very different in some fundamental ways to the Ashkenazi Jews from Eastern Europe. They pray differently. They have different customs. And most important, the only difference that matters to me right now, they eat differently. The Sephardic Jews can eat rice and legumes during Passover and the Askenazi Jews cannot. It sounds so simple when you state it like that, but in fact, it is anything but simple.
When we lived in Canada this was pretty much a non-issue because most of the Passover food products were tailor-made to the needs of the Askenazi Jewish majority and Sephardic Jews just added to that list on their own.
However, I don't live in Canada. In Israel the majority of Jews are Sephardic and therefore, the food manufacturers focus on their needs. I don't blame them, I would also. In other words, while the Sephardic Jews barely alter their eating habits during Passover, we, the Askenazi minority, might as well be re-enacting the Exodus from Egypt.
On one hand you could argue that its only for eight days so really what is the issue? On the other hand, and this is the hand I subscribe to, there is really only one ethnic origin of all Jews!!!!!! All it takes is a quick read of the Torah, The Five Books of Moses. And if you are too lazy to do that, you can google it on Wikipedia and get the answer in about two minutes.
All Jews come from the Land of Israel -- excluding the converts who joined late. That is the whole point of the Torah. God was looking for a group of people to accept His laws. He meets Abraham and that starts the ball rolling. Then, Moses clenches the deal when he takes the willing Israelites out of Egypt (see the Prince of Egypt from Disney if you don't like reading). Of course, only 20% were actually willing so right there the Israelites suffered their first and very large mass assimilation. The 80% were out of the picture.
The remaining 20% included about 600,000 men (they were not counting women and children at the dawn of recorded history). And when Moses went to the top of Mt. Sinai and received the Ten Commandments, the deal was done. Trust me, there were no other Jews getting separate instructions elsewhere!
It wasn't our fault that life got difficult again after Sinai. The Jews had lots of ups and downs which resulted in them ultimately being thrown out of the Land of Israel for more than a thousand years.
So my theory is that since we all have the same origins, and we were forced out of our land by our enemies, as opposed to by our own free will, then there is only one ethnic origin of the Jews and we should all have the same laws for what we can eat during Passover.
I am not alone in thinking this. But there isn't a rabbi for miles around in any direction who is willing to take up the fight. It would be career suicide. But at this time of year, when we should all be focusing on how great it was that we were freed and we became a people, we Askenazi in Israel are just too busy being upset with our pending food situation.
Friday, March 6, 2009
I feel like the principal making school announcements
Yesterday turned into One Of Those Days.
It started with a visit to my friend Stan who is in the hospital with a broken hip. How did he break his hip you may ask. Well, Stan was riding his bike on the main street of Ra'anana and trying to manouever through a traffic jam, when someone hit him. He told me that when he first fell off his bike he was just angry that he found him self in such a ridiculous position that he didn't really pay attention to his pain. He then proceeded to walk his bike home .... to the senior's residence where he lives with his wife. Stan is going to be 85 next week.
I am a very vocal opponent of his bike riding. The problem is that both Stan and his family just don't see it the way I do. And since I am not part of that inner circle, I have no choice but you allow myself to be ignored. Although I did make a last-ditch effort to plead my case while I was visiting him in the hospital yesterday.
I have suggested to him and his family that perhaps he needs a Wii virtual bike riding program. That way he can stay safely off the roads and "ride" to his heart's content. His daughter is researching adult three-wheelers which both Stan and I are lukewarm about, so why not consider the Wii approach?
However, before I wrap up this point I am willing to bet bottles to beer caps that Stan actually gets back on his bike after he recuperates. And Stan, you just try it.... I will be waiting for you.
The next event of the day was a ceremony to move the sifrei Torah (The Five Books of Moses, The Jewish Torah, The Pentateuch) into our new synagogue, which finally opened its doors yesterday. Suffice it to say that the grand opening was two years later than scheduled, but hey, at least it opened. For a while I was starting to think that it was just going to sit there as a constant reminder of dumb-things-you-can-do-with-your-money.
The ceremony itself involved carrying the Torah scrolls up the street from their old home in the "temporary" synagogue -- the local school gym! For most of us, it was just a great chat fest. Unless you are in the hub of the excitement (which women rarely are in these situations), it is just a great excuse to talk to people you haven't had a chance to talk to in a while. Therefore, from my perspective, the whole event was a great success.
And finally, the last event of the day, was my neighbour David's 51st birthday party. David, and his wife Batia, moved in next door to us about seven months ago. They came from California for a year (oh, that's what they all say!) For Batia's birthday a few months ago, I bought her fluffy socks to help her survive the Israeli winter. That may sound like a contradiction of terms, but in fact, the Israeli winter is very real -- particularly inside one's home. Houses here are not insulated and over the past seven years I have had many days where I had to go outside to warm up in the middle of winter. (The trick is to position you car in the sunlight and then sit in it and read the paper. The sun will shine through the windshield and warm you up.)
Anyway, back to socks... David explicitly noted that he did NOT want socks for his birthday. So I set out to find him a man present. At first I was going to buy him a wrench because it seemed so manly, but then I thought, well, if he doesn't know what to do with it, I might hurt his feelings. Then I thought I should get him a flashlight, but it just didn't seem manly enough. I considered condoms for a moment (because I walked past the drugstore) but since he is very married I thought I might be sending the wrong message. So.... I bought him a bungie cord sort of thing and chewing gum that explicitly said "Professional" on it.
I am not sure what the bungie cord is good for, but I am not a man and besides there are pictures on the package to give you some hints if you can't figure out what to do with it either. And as for the gum... well, David is a lawyer; a professional. So, professional gum seemed very appropriate. What precisely makes it professional is beyond me, but it said professional and I was willing to accept that marketing strategy so that I could end my present search and go home.
For the records, David didn't seem to know what professional gum was either. I'll have to check in with him later today to see if he had an epiphany.
The party was only for their few friends. Sounds so sad doesn't it? Well, it wasn't. They have lots of friends and everyone came. And everyone ate because Batia is a good cook -- and an excellent purchaser of good cheese and yummy brown bread.
The bread was so good, in fact, that I am going now to buy some. Someone else will have to finish the announcements.
It started with a visit to my friend Stan who is in the hospital with a broken hip. How did he break his hip you may ask. Well, Stan was riding his bike on the main street of Ra'anana and trying to manouever through a traffic jam, when someone hit him. He told me that when he first fell off his bike he was just angry that he found him self in such a ridiculous position that he didn't really pay attention to his pain. He then proceeded to walk his bike home .... to the senior's residence where he lives with his wife. Stan is going to be 85 next week.
I am a very vocal opponent of his bike riding. The problem is that both Stan and his family just don't see it the way I do. And since I am not part of that inner circle, I have no choice but you allow myself to be ignored. Although I did make a last-ditch effort to plead my case while I was visiting him in the hospital yesterday.
I have suggested to him and his family that perhaps he needs a Wii virtual bike riding program. That way he can stay safely off the roads and "ride" to his heart's content. His daughter is researching adult three-wheelers which both Stan and I are lukewarm about, so why not consider the Wii approach?
However, before I wrap up this point I am willing to bet bottles to beer caps that Stan actually gets back on his bike after he recuperates. And Stan, you just try it.... I will be waiting for you.
The next event of the day was a ceremony to move the sifrei Torah (The Five Books of Moses, The Jewish Torah, The Pentateuch) into our new synagogue, which finally opened its doors yesterday. Suffice it to say that the grand opening was two years later than scheduled, but hey, at least it opened. For a while I was starting to think that it was just going to sit there as a constant reminder of dumb-things-you-can-do-with-your-money.
The ceremony itself involved carrying the Torah scrolls up the street from their old home in the "temporary" synagogue -- the local school gym! For most of us, it was just a great chat fest. Unless you are in the hub of the excitement (which women rarely are in these situations), it is just a great excuse to talk to people you haven't had a chance to talk to in a while. Therefore, from my perspective, the whole event was a great success.
And finally, the last event of the day, was my neighbour David's 51st birthday party. David, and his wife Batia, moved in next door to us about seven months ago. They came from California for a year (oh, that's what they all say!) For Batia's birthday a few months ago, I bought her fluffy socks to help her survive the Israeli winter. That may sound like a contradiction of terms, but in fact, the Israeli winter is very real -- particularly inside one's home. Houses here are not insulated and over the past seven years I have had many days where I had to go outside to warm up in the middle of winter. (The trick is to position you car in the sunlight and then sit in it and read the paper. The sun will shine through the windshield and warm you up.)
Anyway, back to socks... David explicitly noted that he did NOT want socks for his birthday. So I set out to find him a man present. At first I was going to buy him a wrench because it seemed so manly, but then I thought, well, if he doesn't know what to do with it, I might hurt his feelings. Then I thought I should get him a flashlight, but it just didn't seem manly enough. I considered condoms for a moment (because I walked past the drugstore) but since he is very married I thought I might be sending the wrong message. So.... I bought him a bungie cord sort of thing and chewing gum that explicitly said "Professional" on it.
I am not sure what the bungie cord is good for, but I am not a man and besides there are pictures on the package to give you some hints if you can't figure out what to do with it either. And as for the gum... well, David is a lawyer; a professional. So, professional gum seemed very appropriate. What precisely makes it professional is beyond me, but it said professional and I was willing to accept that marketing strategy so that I could end my present search and go home.
For the records, David didn't seem to know what professional gum was either. I'll have to check in with him later today to see if he had an epiphany.
The party was only for their few friends. Sounds so sad doesn't it? Well, it wasn't. They have lots of friends and everyone came. And everyone ate because Batia is a good cook -- and an excellent purchaser of good cheese and yummy brown bread.
The bread was so good, in fact, that I am going now to buy some. Someone else will have to finish the announcements.
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