Parenting during an Intifada

The first assumption is that this is an Intifada but I think it's fair to call the events of the past six months a low level, incredibly consistent uprising, so Intifada it is. Also, I noticed that at least some media are calling it the Knife Intifada, so that's additional support for the term Intifada. Now to the larger issue: how to parent mobile children during such times. This brings us to the second assumption of the post: it's impossible to keep any semblance of control over mobile children.

What are mobile children? For the purposes of today's discussion, they are any dependents who are old enough not to need anything more than tertiary monitoring. Unfortunately this describes all my children.

Son #1 is in the army which means most of the time he has a gun and travels with other soldiers who carry guns. When they are together, I worry less. It's the off time that concerns me the most. He comes home for Shabbat at 10:00 pm Thursday night and decides that it is an excellent time to go to Jerusalem. I know it's partly my age, but at 10:00 pm Thursday night I think it is an excellent time to put on my pyjamas. And what am I supposed to say to someone the army deems old enough to carry a gun on behalf of the country: "No, you can't go?" That's what I want to say, but he is almost 21, so it is ridiculous.

Son #2, upon hearing that Son #1 is going to Jerusalem, decides to go too. And for good measure says that he will drive so that Son #1 can catch up on his sleep en route. Keep in mind that Son #2, who lives in Jerusalem most of the week, knows full well that we will attempt to thwart his plan -- he is only 18 and just arrived home for Purim -- hence his gracious offer to accompany his brother. Of course, he was just praying that his brother would come home so he could justify taking the car back to Jerusalem. Apparently the Fates have looked kindly on him, and off they go.

That leaves us with Daughter #1, who upon noticing that she is home alone yet again, just goes out. None of my warnings to my sons hold any concern for her. At least she is in Ra'anana, although based on events of the past several months, that is no guarantee of safety either.

I tell them not to drive on highway 443 and to stay away from the Old City, but once they leave in the car I have utterly lost control.

I quickly send a WhatsApp telling them to call when they get there, but at 8:00 am the next morning I still haven't heard from them. First I panic and then I realize that, Thank God, there have been no middle of the night visits from the police, so things are probably okay. However, I don't want to be negligent so I send a second WhatsApp in CAPS asking them if they have arrived in Jerusalem yet.

When I finally speak to Son #2 he is at a total loss to understand my concerns. "There's nothing to worry about Ema," he tells me totally exasperated by my list of dos and don'ts. He thinks the media are over-reacting and people who are avoiding Israel are ...... (assume nothing nice is missing from this sentence). He fully intends to keep doing whatever it is he does regularly when he isn't in school.

I don't want him to be fearful but I also wish he had a slightly more cautious nature. So far, for him, it is good to be 18. I pray it stays that way. I also can't believe that I am relieved that my other son has a a big gun. (I just reread that sentence because I can't believe I just wrote it. There's a lot of suspended belief in my life these days.)

After over-dwelling on these thoughts it finally dawns on me -- not for the first time -- that life is truly out of our hands. A power much greater than I can truly imagine is in control. As a parent that doesn't really cheer me up but it does force me to accept that life must go on and we cannot  be bullied into submission. If the past is any indication heeding the threats of bullies and intimidators did not serve us well either.

Thinking of travelling to the US? 10 reasons why Israelis should stay away

Here's a clip of the December 16th travel warning issued by the US State Department and directed at US citizens planning on travelling to Israel:

The security environment remains complex in Israel, the West Bank, and Gaza. US citizens need to be aware of the continuing risks of travel to areas ... where there are heightened tensions and security risks.

Since the United States feels it has to warn its citizens about travelling to Israel, it only seems fair to warn Israelis about travelling to the US. As much as I love a good shopping trip to Target, Walmart and Marshalls as much as the next person, I am not sure I can recommend a trip to the US for any sane Israeli right now because the security environment remains complex and there are heightened tensions lurking around every McDonald's and movie theatre.

However, if you -- Israeli person -- choose to ignore my blanket warning, let me highlight a few of the absolutely non-negotiable no-go areas:

• For heavens sake stay out of California and Texas. People are dropping like flies in those states, according to the US statistics list of number of murders by state. Better to vacation in Alabama or Hawaii where you may get run over by a card-carrying member of the Klu Klux Klan or knocked off by a wayward tsunami wave, but other than that, you should be fine.
• Do not go to Chicago, particularly if you are anticipating a domestic disturbance. Otherwise, the Chicago police will show up and (fatally) shoot you. A police spokesperson, responding to the events that led to a tragic Christmas day shooting, said that police "accidentally struck and tragically killed a mother of five and then another officer discharged his weapon when confronted by a combative college student home for Christmas and "accidentally" ensured that his family won't ever have to pay tuition again, if you get my drift.
• Or Ponoma, California, where a woman was burned to death on Christmas day right outside her house. The suspect had time to chase the victim outside, yell and scream, douse her with gas and set her on fire .... and get away because no one in the neighbourhood heard or a saw a thing.
• Or Alaska, population 800,000, where there were 41 murders in 2014. For what? Not enough whale blubber to go around? Drinking games gone a muck? Dangerous ratio of men to women? And Virginia, a state with approximately the same population as Israel, had 337 murders. 
• Then there's that warped interpretation of the Second Amendment which makes every yahoo in the country think that it is his or her God-given obligation to own (and carry) a gun, because that often turns out well. Forget the non-terrorist mass killings of the past few years, thanks to that wildly abused Amendment, a three-year old can shoot you by mistake in Walmart, with the gun he found cocked and ready in his mother's handbag. I guess that doesn't happen in Israel because we don't have Walmart.
• Do not walk alone in New York City at night. You will probably get mugged; it is not a larger version of Tel Aviv.
• What happens in Vegas is really none of your business. Stay on the Strip. Apparently the LA gangs like to fill up their war chests in Vegas so the Bloods, the Crips, the Mongols, Hells Angels and the likes can be found at the craps tables on any given Sunday. FYI: they are not big fans of unsolicited eye contact.
• Don't stop your car at a traffic light in Miami unless you have no further use for your handbag, your car or your fingers.
• According to the annual Report on Hate Crimes released by the Uniform Crime Reporting Program of the FBI, there were 609 anti-Jewish incidents in the US this past year (compared to 154 anti-Muslim incidents). I am sure there are way more than that in Israel, but at least the majority of the population is on constant alert. The home of the free and the land of the brave is not. Between the president, the State Department and the ghosts of the Dulles Brothers, there isn't a lot of love out there for our peeps.
• San Bernadino. Where to begin? A cleric named Roshan Abbassi, after denying he knew the San Bernadino murderers, posted a video on the mosque's website claiming that the SB shooting was a US government ploy and that the poor shooters were just patsies framed by the government. Oh, and the FBI recently said that there are active jihadi recruiters working in at least 10 American states.

It's pretty ironic that the US government doesn't think its citizens should travel to Israel because it is too dangerous. Apparently they aren't into self-introspection or looking in mirrors. Too bad. Of course, if they did, half the country would be on planes headed to Israel ASAP so that they could enjoy a safe winter holiday.

Ten reasons I know -- for sure -- mashiach is coming in 2016

Let's not get too nitpicky here but there is every indication that mashiach -- yes, the one and only -- will be here by November 2016. Until recently I was always a little suspect on the whole messiah business. I liked the idea of it but I just couldn't get my mind around the details. Thanks to recent events, I find myself reviewing my concerns and acknowledging that I may have been too quick to dismiss him. Apologies, messiah, in advance of your imminent arrival.

How do I know that I was wrong for all these years? How do I know that the time is nigh? I think the better question is: How could you not know? The damn signs are screaming out in technicolor. Yes, actually, technicolor.

Here, in no particular order, are the 10 biggest giveaways.

• It is now impossible to be a visible Jew in France. That whole Les Miz let's build a republic thing of the late 1700s has run its course. Political and social upheaval to overthrow the monarchy and bring equality to the people .... passe. And it's not just in Paris; don't try to go unnoticed in Lyon or Marseilles, the anti-Semites will find you anywhere you try to hide. Of course, the upside (that's always part of the messiah conversation) is that the restaurants in the center of Israel have improved from their already high quality to the outer stratosphere of delicious as more French cooks arrive. Merci beaucoup.
• Israel just got the nod to rent office space in Abu Dhabi. Never thought I would type that sentence. Of course, Abu Dhabi has spent the last week managing its potential public relations disaster by focusing on the message that it's just about renewable energy, which is no biggie. And, I am sure they are telling anyone who will listen that they out-negotiated us on the rental contract like it was nobody's business. Out-negotiating an Israeli should have been a dead giveaway that the messiah was packing.
• Without a shadow of a doubt, it is dangerous for an outed Jew to go to university safely in the US anymore. CUNY wants its Jews to leave. UC, home of 1960s love and peace movement, is trying to take away Jewish students' elected positions because they are Jews. Dartmouth, Yale, the list goes on and on. I'm just waiting for someone to get their claws into Brandies. I mean why would a university want Jews anyway? Who needs the Nobels and Pulitzers and the likes that seem to follow them? I am sure all those BDSers are going to cure cancer, irrigate the desert, manage the world economy just fine on their own. 
• Young unaffiliated Jews -- in other words, most of the next generation of Jews -- don't give a rats ass. Some of them are so anti-Semitic themselves that they are leaders in the BDS movement. My personal favourites are the ones who have been to Israel, maybe lived here for a year, have friends and family here, and don't see the damage they are unfairly inflicting on Israel, and funnily enough, themselves. They LOVE Israel, they tell reporters all the time. Really? With lovers like you I will take my chances with ISIS. At least they are clear headed and honest about their murderous intentions.
• An innocent child oozing in goodness and potential, was murdered by cretins not worth the change in Ezra Schwartz' pocket, and the first words out of the White House are that they are taking steps to restore calm, reduce tension, and end the violence. There was no calm to restore or tension to reduce before that unspeakably unfortunate traffic jam -- Ezra was having a little nap before he headed off to help others. You can see what a shit storm his nap was causing.
• A picture in a recent newspaper article shows a white kid in a kaffiyeh with a sign that says: Israel = Racism and Genocide. He doesn't look old enough to vote, but let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is 19. On what exactly is he basing his poster philosophy? I've never seen him before so he definitely hasn't been to Ra'anana. He is probably waiting for the messiah too -- free trip perhaps. 
• Musicians boycotting Israel. Message to musicians, the Muslim fanatics favour you are currying so actively are not listening to your music. The number one song in the UK this week is aptly titled Allah Akbar. I think it was written by Rhianna and produced by Eddy Vedder.
• JK Rowling is the voice of reason. No disrespect Ms Rowling. I am a huge Harry Potter fan and have been since Book One, but if you are THE voice of reason, the intellectual sensibilities of academia are totally screwed.
• Hotel reservations in Paris are down 83%. Belgians were stuck at home for three days while the police looked for some missing ammo and a lunatic. At the same time, Israelis went on with their lives, sent their kids to school, and did everything they always do -- just a little more carefully. All the while, the army, the police and every Jewish citizen (and probably most Muslim citizens) kept an eye out for each other. Okay, I also bought a broomstick for the car to which my son said: "And exactly what are you going to do with that?" I did have a plan.
• The number of voices stating that Israel has no right to exist are growing exponentially at precisely the same time that many Jews in the world are starting to get that Germany 1938 feeling and thinking -- I am sure many for the first time -- that Israel might not be such a bad place to live after all. It's a suck and blow sort of thing. Israel isn't for the Jews but by the way, get out of our schools, cities, businesses, lives.

If you don't see messiah written all over this then you are a tough nut to crack. All that's missing is Hilary "Suha I Love You Let's Hug" Clinton being sworn in as the next US President, and then the deal will be closed. You see, I didn't just pick the date arbitrarily.

11 things you should never say to the parents of a combat soldier

One winter day about 16 years ago, when we were still living in Toronto and my son was four years old, he came home after a day in his Israeli nursery school and announced to me that when he was an Israeli soldier he would need boots. It seemed like a reasonable request so I immediately promised to get him boots when he became a soldier. He seemed satisfied with his negotiating skills and the promise he had managed to secure from me. He left the kitchen. I was glad that all he wanted was boots and frankly, I wasn't yet convinced there would ever be a need for them.

Fast forward .... to maybe 20 seconds later. My son, probably sensing that he was on a roll with his mother, returned to the kitchen and added: "Oh, and Ema, I am going to need a gun too."

"I am not getting you a gun, so you can forget that," I answered without taking a second to consider my response.

"Well, I am going to need it," he added in a last ditch effort to press his point.

"Over my dead body," said guess who.

Now you can really fast forward. Here we are 16 years later and guess what, my son has both the boots and the gun. Neither provided by me. And 16 years later I am still far less concerned about the boots than the gun. In other words, nothing has changed vis-a-vis the gear, but everything has changed again for the parents of soldiers.

Now, once again, it is all feeling real. Very, very real. And if it didn't seem real before (for me), it definitely does after this past week of How Many Soldiers Can We Attack In An Hour has become the recreational activity of choice of our unfriendly cousins.

Lots of my friends have already been through this -- and much, much more. I am hoping to never know the "much more".

One thing I did notice this past week is that the only people who are willing to discuss it are the usual suspects. Not a word from our co-religionists outside of Israel. Not their problem. Not a decent word from the media. Not their interest. Once again, we are left to our social circles to post and send messages back and forth on social media so that we can all "like" each other's thoughts of the day.

And then of course, I get that one stupid comment from someone who feels safe enough being peripherally Jewish thousands of miles away, that sends me though the roof. So, as the anxiety level of parents of soldiers starts to rise in Israel, here are a few tips for those of you far away who were going to say something stupid, but read this post just in the nick of time. You can thank me later.

1. Do not group all soldiers together -- some risk their lives regularly, some do not. Soldiers who have guns are very, very different from soldiers who do not carry guns. This is not to suggest that "jobnik" soldiers are not important because some of them are doing very, very important work that I pray, in the long-term, will mean there is much less need for combat soldiers. However, in the meantime, they are inside and rarely run into angry Pals. 
2. Do not tell us "not to worry." It is patronizing and it shows how disconnected you are from the reality of the Jewish people. If Israel goes, your life won't be worth the paper it is written on. How about, instead, you share the load and do some worrying with us. Better still, pray for the soldiers' safety. It doesn't matter if you know their names; they all count.
3. Understand that we do not know where our soldiers are at least half the time. And that nothing makes a parent turn green faster than your kid saying: "Oh, they are moving me to Hevron (or The Golan, Gaza or the Lebanese border). We do not have the luxury of being helicopter parents. No one wants to check in with the commander more than we do -- but we can't and they aren't interested in our two-cents worth of military advice.
4. Going to the army is not the same as sending your child away to university. Well, unless that university is in South Sudan, then maybe. It takes a lot of ignorance or narcissism to think that there is anything comparable in these two situations.
5. And if sending your child to the army is the ONLY reason you could never live in Israel, then tell that to someone who cares. Let me simplify that for you: either call a Hareidi Jew in Mea Shearim or call someone in Timbuktu. First of all, you are misguided and second, you are lying to yourself. Oh, and third, it will be on your cheshbon with HaShem that your child was too special to protect the only state the Jews can call home. You don't have to explain it to me; work it out next Yom Kippur.
6. And if you think we are bad parents because you would never let your child be a combat soldier, keep it to yourself. What makes you think that anything we say influences their decisions? Do you have post 18-year-old children? Do they listen to your input?
7. Don't ask us why they are not home for the High Holidays or Shabbat because your kids always come home for important times of the year. Yes, your children all dutifully show up for all the big Jewish occasions. Ours, on the other hand, are eating crap food and protecting the country. Funny how that works.
8. Do not ask us during wars or reasonable facsimiles of war whether or not we have heard from our kids. It's not the freakin Maccabiah Games; they are in the middle of war where we hope they are paying extreme attention and protecting themselves and their fellow soldiers. Calling home is way down on their priority lists. Rest assured we will call you when there is something to tell you.
9. Do not ask us if we are scared. You can reasonably assume that we are scared. Why wouldn't we be scared? You're so scared that you won't even come and live here, yet you feel you have to ask if we are scared. The difference is that we believe in something bigger than ourselves and we trust in God. You, apparently, do not.
10. Do not tell us what you think the Israeli government and the army should be doing. This isn't Monday Night Football and you are not an armchair soldier.
11. And finally, if you do not support what Israel is doing to stay alive, then please, please, please, move to Gaza and give them a hand. They really need you there and they will be so happy for your support.

(Thank you to everyone who shared their ridiculous personal experiences so I could write this post.)

More Dos and Don'ts for Gap Year in Israel Part 2: What to do if you meet Israelis

So, now that we have thoroughly addressed how to be an excellent Shabbat guest, it is definitely time to move on to the next lesson. I can only assume that if someone is here for his or her gap year that they are interested in Torah learning and Israel. I realize that that may be a huge assumption on my part but I am going to stick with that for now. Gap year kids, you owe it to yourself (not to mention your parents who are footing the bill), to make the most of the year. And to do so involves dabbling in some Israeli culture -- preferably with Israelis.

Trust me, it isn't a fluke that "chutzpah" is a Jewish word. It sums up Israelis better than any other word I can think of. That said, your year will have been wasted if you don't get to know some Israelis. (If you are only interested in learning then perhaps you could try Uman, Ukraine. I hear they have a pretty rowdy Torah time there.)

Fortunately for you, Israelis are all over the place in Israel -- yes slightly more than eight million Israelis concentrated in about 7700 square miles. They drive the buses, police the streets, and work at the phone stores. However, Israelis don't have the best reputation abroad. I didn't make that up; you can Google it if you want. This probably explains why so many Jewish gap-year kids do their very best to avoid them at all costs, despite the fact that they have chosen to spend a year in Israel.

Do yourself a favour and don't come with that attitude. Remember that these Israelis are already fulfilling one big mitzvah that you are not -- they live here on the front line. It is of greater magnitude than the 613 commandments -- see, I just gave you your first discussion topic for yeshiva as a bonus!

As you can imagine, it is tricky to have absolutely nothing to do with them, although I have seen some gap-year kids make a very valiant effort to do so.

I am not interested in why gap year kids are so Israeli adverse. That's not my area of expertise. Instead, I have some tips on how to make the most out of your year in Israel. Spoiler alert: It does involve Israelis.

Here are some things you need to know:

1. Shouting is the official inside voice for Israelis. It often has nothing to do with being angry at you. It is simply the decibel at which they speak. Maybe all those missiles collectively deafened them. So don't be offended when they shout at you -- in their minds they are just taking. Even if they are service providers, expect them to yell and then you won't be surprised when they do.
2. "No" doesn't mean "no" (this does not include physical aggression); it is simply the starting point for any negotiation. If you accept the first "no" as a "no" then you can expect to get absolutely nothing done all year.
3. Waiting in line is a relatively new concept here so it doesn't always work. Be prepared to muscle you way though any crowd you encounter. You will know if you have gone too  far because .... yes .... someone will shout at you to get back in your place. Remember, they are not really yelling at you; they just want you to know that there is order in the apparent chaos.
4. There is very little need to dress up so don't bring your fanciest duds. Israelis are very informal. I have been to more than one wedding where the groom was in an untucked button-down white shirt and chinos for the ceremony. And since it is so hot here from May through October, socks and pantihose in shul are not necessary. Ties are virtually unheard of outside of offices in Tel Aviv that deal with international clients.
5. People do whatever they want until someone stops them. Israelis are collective believers in the old adage that it is easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission.
6. Being called the Hebrew version of "sweetie" is not considered condescending, nor it is a problem when women are called "banot". Politically correct language has not come to Israel.
7. Most Israelis are thrilled to practice their English so if they either hear you speak English or hear your obvious Anglo accent, they will happily switch to English if they are able. If you want to practice your Hebrew -- and you should -- just ignore their English and continue speaking Hebrew while the Hebrew speaker speaks English.
8. Brush up on your Israeli and world politics. Every Israeli has a political opinion to share and you will miss some really colourful conversations if you cannot participate. In Israel, many eight-year-olds can discuss politics. Oh, and expect more shouting if they don't agree with your position on any issue. But that will not stop them from hugging you before they leave and inviting you for Shabbat.
9. Do not miss the chance to get to know as many Israelis as you can. There is nowhere else on Earth where you will meet a more diverse group of Jews. Don't avoid them; but rather, seek them out. You are not above them just because they haven't seen a Broadway or West End production.
10. Get to know the soldiers you encounter. They are approximately your age and while you are here having fun for a year on your parents' dime, they are busy protecting you and every Jew worldwide from the countless enemies we have. Do not minimize what they are doing and never stop being thankful that they are doing it -- because, let's not kid ourselves, you surely wouldn't do it and your parents wouldn't let you. You have the luxury of their protection. They are putting their lives on the line so that you can continue to believe that it's easy to be a Jew.

So there you have it. Ignore me at your own peril. But if you are open to the comments above, then I believe you will have one (or two) of the greatest years of your life. Maybe longer. You may even rue the day you have to leave what is without a doubt the most incredible country on Earth.