Ten reasons I know -- for sure -- mashiach is coming in 2016

Let's not get too nitpicky here but there is every indication that mashiach -- yes, the one and only -- will be here by November 2016. Until recently I was always a little suspect on the whole messiah business. I liked the idea of it but I just couldn't get my mind around the details. Thanks to recent events, I find myself reviewing my concerns and acknowledging that I may have been too quick to dismiss him. Apologies, messiah, in advance of your imminent arrival.

How do I know that I was wrong for all these years? How do I know that the time is nigh? I think the better question is: How could you not know? The damn signs are screaming out in technicolor. Yes, actually, technicolor.

Here, in no particular order, are the 10 biggest giveaways.

• It is now impossible to be a visible Jew in France. That whole Les Miz let's build a republic thing of the late 1700s has run its course. Political and social upheaval to overthrow the monarchy and bring equality to the people .... passe. And it's not just in Paris; don't try to go unnoticed in Lyon or Marseilles, the anti-Semites will find you anywhere you try to hide. Of course, the upside (that's always part of the messiah conversation) is that the restaurants in the center of Israel have improved from their already high quality to the outer stratosphere of delicious as more French cooks arrive. Merci beaucoup.
• Israel just got the nod to rent office space in Abu Dhabi. Never thought I would type that sentence. Of course, Abu Dhabi has spent the last week managing its potential public relations disaster by focusing on the message that it's just about renewable energy, which is no biggie. And, I am sure they are telling anyone who will listen that they out-negotiated us on the rental contract like it was nobody's business. Out-negotiating an Israeli should have been a dead giveaway that the messiah was packing.
• Without a shadow of a doubt, it is dangerous for an outed Jew to go to university safely in the US anymore. CUNY wants its Jews to leave. UC, home of 1960s love and peace movement, is trying to take away Jewish students' elected positions because they are Jews. Dartmouth, Yale, the list goes on and on. I'm just waiting for someone to get their claws into Brandies. I mean why would a university want Jews anyway? Who needs the Nobels and Pulitzers and the likes that seem to follow them? I am sure all those BDSers are going to cure cancer, irrigate the desert, manage the world economy just fine on their own. 
• Young unaffiliated Jews -- in other words, most of the next generation of Jews -- don't give a rats ass. Some of them are so anti-Semitic themselves that they are leaders in the BDS movement. My personal favourites are the ones who have been to Israel, maybe lived here for a year, have friends and family here, and don't see the damage they are unfairly inflicting on Israel, and funnily enough, themselves. They LOVE Israel, they tell reporters all the time. Really? With lovers like you I will take my chances with ISIS. At least they are clear headed and honest about their murderous intentions.
• An innocent child oozing in goodness and potential, was murdered by cretins not worth the change in Ezra Schwartz' pocket, and the first words out of the White House are that they are taking steps to restore calm, reduce tension, and end the violence. There was no calm to restore or tension to reduce before that unspeakably unfortunate traffic jam -- Ezra was having a little nap before he headed off to help others. You can see what a shit storm his nap was causing.
• A picture in a recent newspaper article shows a white kid in a kaffiyeh with a sign that says: Israel = Racism and Genocide. He doesn't look old enough to vote, but let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is 19. On what exactly is he basing his poster philosophy? I've never seen him before so he definitely hasn't been to Ra'anana. He is probably waiting for the messiah too -- free trip perhaps. 
• Musicians boycotting Israel. Message to musicians, the Muslim fanatics favour you are currying so actively are not listening to your music. The number one song in the UK this week is aptly titled Allah Akbar. I think it was written by Rhianna and produced by Eddy Vedder.
• JK Rowling is the voice of reason. No disrespect Ms Rowling. I am a huge Harry Potter fan and have been since Book One, but if you are THE voice of reason, the intellectual sensibilities of academia are totally screwed.
• Hotel reservations in Paris are down 83%. Belgians were stuck at home for three days while the police looked for some missing ammo and a lunatic. At the same time, Israelis went on with their lives, sent their kids to school, and did everything they always do -- just a little more carefully. All the while, the army, the police and every Jewish citizen (and probably most Muslim citizens) kept an eye out for each other. Okay, I also bought a broomstick for the car to which my son said: "And exactly what are you going to do with that?" I did have a plan.
• The number of voices stating that Israel has no right to exist are growing exponentially at precisely the same time that many Jews in the world are starting to get that Germany 1938 feeling and thinking -- I am sure many for the first time -- that Israel might not be such a bad place to live after all. It's a suck and blow sort of thing. Israel isn't for the Jews but by the way, get out of our schools, cities, businesses, lives.

If you don't see messiah written all over this then you are a tough nut to crack. All that's missing is Hilary "Suha I Love You Let's Hug" Clinton being sworn in as the next US President, and then the deal will be closed. You see, I didn't just pick the date arbitrarily.

11 things you should never say to the parents of a combat soldier

One winter day about 16 years ago, when we were still living in Toronto and my son was four years old, he came home after a day in his Israeli nursery school and announced to me that when he was an Israeli soldier he would need boots. It seemed like a reasonable request so I immediately promised to get him boots when he became a soldier. He seemed satisfied with his negotiating skills and the promise he had managed to secure from me. He left the kitchen. I was glad that all he wanted was boots and frankly, I wasn't yet convinced there would ever be a need for them.

Fast forward .... to maybe 20 seconds later. My son, probably sensing that he was on a roll with his mother, returned to the kitchen and added: "Oh, and Ema, I am going to need a gun too."

"I am not getting you a gun, so you can forget that," I answered without taking a second to consider my response.

"Well, I am going to need it," he added in a last ditch effort to press his point.

"Over my dead body," said guess who.

Now you can really fast forward. Here we are 16 years later and guess what, my son has both the boots and the gun. Neither provided by me. And 16 years later I am still far less concerned about the boots than the gun. In other words, nothing has changed vis-a-vis the gear, but everything has changed again for the parents of soldiers.

Now, once again, it is all feeling real. Very, very real. And if it didn't seem real before (for me), it definitely does after this past week of How Many Soldiers Can We Attack In An Hour has become the recreational activity of choice of our unfriendly cousins.

Lots of my friends have already been through this -- and much, much more. I am hoping to never know the "much more".

One thing I did notice this past week is that the only people who are willing to discuss it are the usual suspects. Not a word from our co-religionists outside of Israel. Not their problem. Not a decent word from the media. Not their interest. Once again, we are left to our social circles to post and send messages back and forth on social media so that we can all "like" each other's thoughts of the day.

And then of course, I get that one stupid comment from someone who feels safe enough being peripherally Jewish thousands of miles away, that sends me though the roof. So, as the anxiety level of parents of soldiers starts to rise in Israel, here are a few tips for those of you far away who were going to say something stupid, but read this post just in the nick of time. You can thank me later.

1. Do not group all soldiers together -- some risk their lives regularly, some do not. Soldiers who have guns are very, very different from soldiers who do not carry guns. This is not to suggest that "jobnik" soldiers are not important because some of them are doing very, very important work that I pray, in the long-term, will mean there is much less need for combat soldiers. However, in the meantime, they are inside and rarely run into angry Pals. 
2. Do not tell us "not to worry." It is patronizing and it shows how disconnected you are from the reality of the Jewish people. If Israel goes, your life won't be worth the paper it is written on. How about, instead, you share the load and do some worrying with us. Better still, pray for the soldiers' safety. It doesn't matter if you know their names; they all count.
3. Understand that we do not know where our soldiers are at least half the time. And that nothing makes a parent turn green faster than your kid saying: "Oh, they are moving me to Hevron (or The Golan, Gaza or the Lebanese border). We do not have the luxury of being helicopter parents. No one wants to check in with the commander more than we do -- but we can't and they aren't interested in our two-cents worth of military advice.
4. Going to the army is not the same as sending your child away to university. Well, unless that university is in South Sudan, then maybe. It takes a lot of ignorance or narcissism to think that there is anything comparable in these two situations.
5. And if sending your child to the army is the ONLY reason you could never live in Israel, then tell that to someone who cares. Let me simplify that for you: either call a Hareidi Jew in Mea Shearim or call someone in Timbuktu. First of all, you are misguided and second, you are lying to yourself. Oh, and third, it will be on your cheshbon with HaShem that your child was too special to protect the only state the Jews can call home. You don't have to explain it to me; work it out next Yom Kippur.
6. And if you think we are bad parents because you would never let your child be a combat soldier, keep it to yourself. What makes you think that anything we say influences their decisions? Do you have post 18-year-old children? Do they listen to your input?
7. Don't ask us why they are not home for the High Holidays or Shabbat because your kids always come home for important times of the year. Yes, your children all dutifully show up for all the big Jewish occasions. Ours, on the other hand, are eating crap food and protecting the country. Funny how that works.
8. Do not ask us during wars or reasonable facsimiles of war whether or not we have heard from our kids. It's not the freakin Maccabiah Games; they are in the middle of war where we hope they are paying extreme attention and protecting themselves and their fellow soldiers. Calling home is way down on their priority lists. Rest assured we will call you when there is something to tell you.
9. Do not ask us if we are scared. You can reasonably assume that we are scared. Why wouldn't we be scared? You're so scared that you won't even come and live here, yet you feel you have to ask if we are scared. The difference is that we believe in something bigger than ourselves and we trust in God. You, apparently, do not.
10. Do not tell us what you think the Israeli government and the army should be doing. This isn't Monday Night Football and you are not an armchair soldier.
11. And finally, if you do not support what Israel is doing to stay alive, then please, please, please, move to Gaza and give them a hand. They really need you there and they will be so happy for your support.

(Thank you to everyone who shared their ridiculous personal experiences so I could write this post.)

More Dos and Don'ts for Gap Year in Israel Part 2: What to do if you meet Israelis

So, now that we have thoroughly addressed how to be an excellent Shabbat guest, it is definitely time to move on to the next lesson. I can only assume that if someone is here for his or her gap year that they are interested in Torah learning and Israel. I realize that that may be a huge assumption on my part but I am going to stick with that for now. Gap year kids, you owe it to yourself (not to mention your parents who are footing the bill), to make the most of the year. And to do so involves dabbling in some Israeli culture -- preferably with Israelis.

Trust me, it isn't a fluke that "chutzpah" is a Jewish word. It sums up Israelis better than any other word I can think of. That said, your year will have been wasted if you don't get to know some Israelis. (If you are only interested in learning then perhaps you could try Uman, Ukraine. I hear they have a pretty rowdy Torah time there.)

Fortunately for you, Israelis are all over the place in Israel -- yes slightly more than eight million Israelis concentrated in about 7700 square miles. They drive the buses, police the streets, and work at the phone stores. However, Israelis don't have the best reputation abroad. I didn't make that up; you can Google it if you want. This probably explains why so many Jewish gap-year kids do their very best to avoid them at all costs, despite the fact that they have chosen to spend a year in Israel.

Do yourself a favour and don't come with that attitude. Remember that these Israelis are already fulfilling one big mitzvah that you are not -- they live here on the front line. It is of greater magnitude than the 613 commandments -- see, I just gave you your first discussion topic for yeshiva as a bonus!

As you can imagine, it is tricky to have absolutely nothing to do with them, although I have seen some gap-year kids make a very valiant effort to do so.

I am not interested in why gap year kids are so Israeli adverse. That's not my area of expertise. Instead, I have some tips on how to make the most out of your year in Israel. Spoiler alert: It does involve Israelis.

Here are some things you need to know:

1. Shouting is the official inside voice for Israelis. It often has nothing to do with being angry at you. It is simply the decibel at which they speak. Maybe all those missiles collectively deafened them. So don't be offended when they shout at you -- in their minds they are just taking. Even if they are service providers, expect them to yell and then you won't be surprised when they do.
2. "No" doesn't mean "no" (this does not include physical aggression); it is simply the starting point for any negotiation. If you accept the first "no" as a "no" then you can expect to get absolutely nothing done all year.
3. Waiting in line is a relatively new concept here so it doesn't always work. Be prepared to muscle you way though any crowd you encounter. You will know if you have gone too  far because .... yes .... someone will shout at you to get back in your place. Remember, they are not really yelling at you; they just want you to know that there is order in the apparent chaos.
4. There is very little need to dress up so don't bring your fanciest duds. Israelis are very informal. I have been to more than one wedding where the groom was in an untucked button-down white shirt and chinos for the ceremony. And since it is so hot here from May through October, socks and pantihose in shul are not necessary. Ties are virtually unheard of outside of offices in Tel Aviv that deal with international clients.
5. People do whatever they want until someone stops them. Israelis are collective believers in the old adage that it is easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission.
6. Being called the Hebrew version of "sweetie" is not considered condescending, nor it is a problem when women are called "banot". Politically correct language has not come to Israel.
7. Most Israelis are thrilled to practice their English so if they either hear you speak English or hear your obvious Anglo accent, they will happily switch to English if they are able. If you want to practice your Hebrew -- and you should -- just ignore their English and continue speaking Hebrew while the Hebrew speaker speaks English.
8. Brush up on your Israeli and world politics. Every Israeli has a political opinion to share and you will miss some really colourful conversations if you cannot participate. In Israel, many eight-year-olds can discuss politics. Oh, and expect more shouting if they don't agree with your position on any issue. But that will not stop them from hugging you before they leave and inviting you for Shabbat.
9. Do not miss the chance to get to know as many Israelis as you can. There is nowhere else on Earth where you will meet a more diverse group of Jews. Don't avoid them; but rather, seek them out. You are not above them just because they haven't seen a Broadway or West End production.
10. Get to know the soldiers you encounter. They are approximately your age and while you are here having fun for a year on your parents' dime, they are busy protecting you and every Jew worldwide from the countless enemies we have. Do not minimize what they are doing and never stop being thankful that they are doing it -- because, let's not kid ourselves, you surely wouldn't do it and your parents wouldn't let you. You have the luxury of their protection. They are putting their lives on the line so that you can continue to believe that it's easy to be a Jew.

So there you have it. Ignore me at your own peril. But if you are open to the comments above, then I believe you will have one (or two) of the greatest years of your life. Maybe longer. You may even rue the day you have to leave what is without a doubt the most incredible country on Earth. 

To know me is to tolerate me

Talk about a brouhaha. There is no better word to describe the events of last week.

The primary topic of discussion for me this past Shabbat and motzei Shabbat revolved around the comments that resulted from last week's blog posts which addressed some things that gap-year kids should know about visiting other people's homes before their yeshivot and seminaries cut them loose on a bi-weekly basis. Honestly, those two posts triggered more conversation than anything I have ever written. Normally I would say that was a great honour but judging by some of the hate mail that made its way to me I am going to hold off on the self-applause.

Instead, I am going to publicly address the issues so that no one can accuse me of be unwilling to open a dialogue.

1. Unlike a typical blog post, many of the people who read my posts last week have never met me and don't know a thing about me. Don't worry, I am not going to copy my bio into this space, but suffice it to say that when the readers who know me personally read the post, they understood immediately that there was a current of light-hearted humour running through it. As people often say to me: "I read your blog and I can hear your voice in my head as I read it." Bottom line: they know me and they know how generally non-threatening I truly am.
2. That said, I meant every word of what I wrote; I just did not intend to come off sounding nearly as angry and resentful of gap-year kids as I apparently did. I have no reason to be angry or resentful because other than sometimes hogging my favourite seat in shul, I have very little to do with any of them. As I said previously, this is not my world. I don't shelter or feed them en masse, and I do not do pick ups or drop offs at the bus station (that's why I have children who drive), and I surely don't do their laundry. I even eat those crazy stale bus station cakes JUST TO BE NICE.
3. I have had some amazing gap-year guests and yes, my favourite was a group of three seminary girls -- two Americans and one Canadians. In fact, I wish they would come back again because they made my Purim fun and easy.
4. My worst guest ever was a British adult. Enough said.
5. The overwhelming majority of my Anglo Israeli readers agreed totally with everything I wrote. Sadly one or two told me they could not "like" the post on Facebook for fear of repercussions during their summer vacations in the US.
6. One of my readers wrote to me privately as I was preparing the second post to tell me that, at that exact moment, she was in the middle of electronic communication with a parent of some foreign summer campers who never planned for the mid-way Shabbat break and wanted my friend to host her kids and four of their friends .... with two days notice and a son on his way to the army.
7. I could write a book based on the horror stories relayed to me last week.
8. Ra'anana was, is and will continue to be the home of the most chesed-minded group of people I have ever met. There is no task too big, too small, too soon or too crazy that they will not tackle with complete zeal. I am honoured to find myself living among such people and I am sure I am a better person because I want to be more like them. The thought that they would not host gap-year kids is beyond laughable, no matter how tired they are or how much they deserve more thanks than anyone could possibly give them.
9. Without the Americans amongst us, a lot less would get done here. Oh don't start writing me hate mail other Anglos because that's the truth. It must be something in their DNA but collectively they are doers on a level I have never previously experienced. As a Canadian, Americans can definitely ruffle my feathers (growing up next door to them was often overwhelming and tiring), but man oh man, when they set their minds to something, it happens. That does not mean that the rest of the Anglos don't get things done -- they do -- but there is just something about the American "can-do" mindset.
10. As for the "witch" comment I received last week, all things being equal, I would still love to be a witch -- as a few people suggested, besides my own preference for Samantha, Glinda would be a great alternative, as would Lily Potter or Hermoine Granger. I am all for witches. 
11. For the few people here who told me that I sounded angry and intolerant (and they are the only critics I am willing to listen to because they know me), I hope this clarifies enough matters and puts this issue to bed.
12. I was surprised by the amount of vitrol that came out of some foreign readers' fingertips. If that is the way you address matters uncomfortable to you, then I am not surprised that some of your kids are ill mannered. Obviously introspection isn't your strong suit.
13. I am still going to write Part 2 of the Gap Year Tips...........

More Dos and Don'ts for Gap Year in Israel Part 1b: still visiting people's homes

As you can see, there wasn't supposed to be anything between Part 1 and Part 2 of this series on how to be an excellent gap year kid in Israel. However, the mail has been overwhelming and I now realize that there are a few more points that I have to make to wrap up Part 1 properly. Well, I don't have to make additional points -- I could let sleeping dogs lie -- but I won't.

Before I continue I would ask all of those people who feel compelled to send hate mail -- directly or indirectly -- to just take an entire bottle of valium before you go off the deep end. Then lick any remaining residue off the inside of the pill bottle and your fingers. I hope that will suffice because although you refuse to see it, I am doing you a great service. And if you continue reading and then think to yourselves: "Hmmmm, my kids already know all that stuff," then guess what? YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT THE PEOPLE TO WHOM THIS MESSAGE IS DIRECTED.

Okay, so here are the final seven tips which many of my friends here, who totally got what I was saying in the previous post, wrote to tell me that I missed:

1. Have a shower before you arrive -- particularly if you are travelling in a pack. What the North American kids don't realize (not sure about the Europeans) is that hot water does not just arrive in the tap by holy decree here. It takes a lot of time to heat up enough water to get our own families clean for Shabbat and sometimes, particularly in the winter, some sacrificial members of our own peeps are sent to the Country Club to shower because we can't make hot water fast enough.

2. Unless the world unexpectedly schemes against you, make your Shabbat plans before the end of Tuesday. You have no idea how much simpler it is to host you when we have the necessary time to prepare. And we are so much happier to see you if we are not running around like chickens with our heads cut off because you called at the last minute. That said, if you have to call us last minute, we will do our best -- but that does not include bringing your five "essential" travelling companions. They are just going to have to manage their own last-minute crises. We are not Mother Theresa clones.

3. Don't get your mothers to call us to organize YOUR Shabbat plans. Once again, if you are old enough to spend a year abroad then you should be old enough to make your own plans. As one of my friends not so gently put it: "Man up." Pick up the phone, use your words, and try out your big-boy/girl legs. We don't bite and it is an emancipating moment for you.

4. If you want to visit for the chaggim -- Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur in particular -- you need to let us know wayyyyyyy in advance. Our shuls are packed to the rafters for the holidays and seats must be reserved and paid for well in advance. Yes, we pay for our High Holiday seats. In all fairness most kids probably don't know that, but their parents do!!!! Offer upfront to pay for your seat -- it's surely a better deal than it is out of Israel. And since your prayers aren't travelling long distance they arrive much quicker at their destination. In other words, it's money well spent.

5. Point 10 in my previous post mentioned bringing a dvar Torah since you are supposedly in Israel for Torah-learning purposes this year. However, someone wrote to me and took it a step further: Be prepared to make conversation at the table with the host family. It makes us feel like we aren't just the riff raff serving you; you might enjoy it. And if you are really chatty, we will enjoy it as well.

6. If you are going to bring a present -- and it's a nice idea -- don't pick up a stale, pre-packaged cake at the bus station on your way. Let's not kid ourselves -- no one is going to eat it and it is going to end up in the garbage while children in Syrian refugee camps continue to starve. You don't have to spend much because we know it adds up over the year, but as a rule of thumb, gifts should be thoughtful (or parents should do the thinking in advance and send some hostess gifts along with their kids). Or ... buy the stale cake and just send it directly to a Syrian refuge.

7. This one is very close to my own heart. If we agree to host you on a Shabbat that our child is home on leave from the army we are basically offering to share a rare and special time with you. Many people simply stop inviting guests during their children's army service. But if you find a host family who is still happy to have you while their soldier is home, do not dismiss what is being offered to you and make the most of the opportunity.

And with that, I am wrapping up Part 1 of the Gap Year Shabbat Visitor's Tip Sheet. For those whom I have further offended, I am sorry. Well, I'm a little sorry. This is, in fact, some very practical advice and you would be wise to accept it in the manner in which it was meant -- as a service to those of you who couldn't possibly understand what it is like to be on our end.

One final word. If any of you non-Israel-based parents out there host as many gap-year kids (or a reasonable facsimile)  as frequently as is the norm here, please let me know. It is possible that I totally misjudged you. According to my calculations (I used a calculator), if you have four gap-kid guests a week, who all eat two meals with you, two weeks a month, 10 months a year, that is a minimum of 160 additional meals a year, excluding the guests you were planning on entertaining for your own selfish reasons! (Could the resident math Phd TL please confirm my logic and calculations.)