My next door neighbours are half Mexican

Bad news.

Unfortunately due to the pending swine flu pandemic, I am going to have to cut off all relations and contacts with my next door neighbours. I really like them but I am not prepared to sacrifice my life and that of my family just because Batia is Mexican and her parents have been visiting from Mexico. Worse still, David's mother is arriving soon from California. Heaven only knows what viruses she may unsuspectingly be carrying with her. Typhoid? Cholera? Small pox? Leprosy???

David and Batia, it's nothing personal, but I have to cancel our dinner plans for next week unless the entire pandemic issue turns out to be a hoax. If instead you would be happy to order in at your house, and I will order in at my house, we could converse via web camera and pretend we are eating together. I'm sorry, but that's the best I can offer right now.

So far every Israeli who has had contact with Mexico has contracted swine flu. Granted, they are all in isolation units in various Israeli hospitals and doctors handling the cases are telling the public not to worry because they have enough Tamiflu to help anyone who needs it.

That should be good news, but since I am not easily duped, I checked the Toronto papers today. And a nurse there told two reporters who were heading to Mexico to cover the potential pandemic story that Tamiflu was only marginally useful against this new aggressive strain of the flu.

Okay, so who is yanking my chain?

Why is it that there is always research to be done? And why is that I am the one always doing it?

So I did some checking. The manufacturer, Roche, says that TAmiflu is totally effective but what did you expect them to say? "Yikes, we made a mistake." I am going to have to do some more independent research tomorrow. It's my cross to bear.

In the meantime, I am going to shut all my windows and doors, and pray that Batia doesn't need any eggs or milk. I should probably email all the other neighbours that I like and tell them to watch out! I am not going to mention it to my creepy neighbours because this might be a great way to get rid of them without premeditated intervention -- which could easily land me in jail.

Wow, now that I think of it, this whole Swine Flu -- or whatever the WHO and the Israeli Ministry of Health are calling it today -- might just turn out to be a very serendipitous event. I think I will call my creepy neighbours and leave them an urgent message from Batia. Then I will just sit back and see what happens next.

The Mexican Flu? You've got to be kidding

I love Israel. I love living in Israel. I love what Israel stands for in the history of the Jewish people. However, sometimes Israel does things that remind me why we really bug the world.

A few days ago Yakov Litzman, the ultra-relgious, deputy health minister, announced that because swine isn't kosher, Israel should call the new flu racing around the world: "the Mexican Flu". The fact that it originates with swine among other living things -- whether you eat them or not -- and the fact that it was a totally unnecessary insult to our Mexican friends, apparently had nothing to do with Litzman's reasoning.

And this is one of the reasons that ultra relgious people scare me. The world is not -- and I repeat NOT -- about you. You are welcome to your view of the world as far as I am concerned, but really, are you so narrow minded that you are not aware that it is not a view shared by very many people? Not even among your own people?

No one was talking about eating swine or pork or pig! And the word offends you so much that you cannot even have it in your lexicon? Give me a break.

And while I am on that break may I suggest that you turn your attention to the myriad other words that have the letters P-I-G in them. (I didn't even bother to research "swine" or "pork".) While you are sitting in your office apparently doing nothing useful, here are some words that will need replacements: pigtails (how about Mexi-tails?); pigmentation; pigeon; piggyback; pigmies; pigout; pigpen; and the one I have reserved specially for you: PIGHEADED.

Apparently you are unaware how few friends we have south of the Mexican border. Or perhaps you fear using the word "pig", "swine" and "pork" more than you fear the alliance between Iran and Venezeula. Why worry about Iran when you can spend your time on a stupid word that doesn't mean anything to the bulk of the hebrew-speaking Israeli public.

I realize that Litzman backed down yesterday from this idiotic plan but that's not good enough. The damage is done. In a country with so many issues that they are too many to count, the deputy minister of health found nothing better to do that stir the pointless-pot.