Driving the porcelain bus to mom

Why do most kids wake their mothers when they aren't feeling well? And why, when they can't sleep, do they feel obliged to wake their mothers and tell them -- and then ask them to push over so that they can get it? Why don't kids, in general, wake their fathers?

Last night at around 2:30 a.m. I heard someone walking around. Within seconds the night crawler speed walked into our bedroom, totally surpassing Chaim and made a quick right around the bed to my side. By then I was already awake, but I was trying to fake being asleep.

Tap, tap, tap.

"What's wrong Yael?" (I spend a lot of time asking that question.)

"My stomach hurts and I have to throw up now."

I have tried to train her to throw up first -- preferably in the toilet or at least a waste paper basket -- and then come and get me. So far, I have a success rate of zero. For some reason it is more logical to waste the few remaining moments of pre-barfdom to come and announce your intentions so that there is an audience for the big event.

From my perspective, who the hell wants an audience at such an uncool moment? However, Yael does not subscribe to this school of thought. And as a result, most vomit explodes onto my bed or my bedroom floor. Of course, the vomiter is too busy feeling lousy after the event to do anything but sit or lie down in a catatonic state. Therefore, the spectator -- usually me -- gets the priviledge of cleaning up.

Oh yes, the vomiter feels bad about it. But, hey, what can you expect post strenuous lurch?

I wouldn't mind so much if only, now and then, when the urge to drive the porcelain bus became unavoidable, that the child in question should wake up his or her father and let him get involved in all the fun.

In my house, Chaim just sleeps through all the highlights of the program while I spend the remainder of the night keeping the patient company either in the washroom or his or her bedrooom. Chaim wakes up bright eyed and bushy tailed the next morning and I spend the day walking around like a zombie.

The truth is that when I was a kid I did the same thing. I never once considered waking my father who was only going to wake up so startled (because no one ever woke him up) that his shocked reaction would have superseded the real issue: that I felt sick or I couldn't sleep. My mother, on the other hand, woke up silently and effortlessly as if she had been lying there expecting me for hours.

Therefore, I've decided that the next time I feel sick, I am going to go from room to room and wake everyone up. Of course, I am going to leave them all sitting there in a semi-conscious state because nothing will change the fact that I prefer privacy at such moments. But at least then they can all be mom for a moment.